Deep Breakfast Gazes

I never knew how important quality vs. quantity time was - until I had my second son. Having two kids is awesome, but I also have two kids under the age of three, who need me pretty much 24/7. They're both special, and have different wants and needs. In the mornings, I'm usually feeling guilty for sleeping in an extra 15 minutes, or energized while everyone's still sleeping (leaving me to crash later on). When everyone's awake and I'm trying to get bottles made, diapers changed, potty time, breakfast, coffee, etc - I usually give Adrian my phone to play with and he sits in front of Jonas (while Jonas is whimpering away for mommy). I caught myself looking at my two year old the other day.. just gazing at him while Daniel Tiger sang a catchy song. Observing his little frame, big eyes, calm demeanor. I felt a tinge of guilt for not being able to give him what I used to be able to give him. Which was all of me. My undivided attention. I felt guilty that he had my phone to keep him occupied, even though he was clearly enjoying himself.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I sure felt sadness overwhelm me. Why? Why did I feel so guilty? For some reason I felt like I was shooing him away just to get what I had to get done. So I took my phone away. He cried bloody murder, of course. I picked him up (while Jonas was kicking and whining for me). I gave him kisses and brought him in the kitchen. I showed him the pancakes I was making, which surprisingly was very interesting to him? I asked him if he wanted a "Big Boy smoothie" and he happily said "Mhmm! mhmm!". I made a big deal about him having his own smoothie. I couldn't stop wrapping my arms around him.. my Big Boy. The one I can tell secrets to, and it feels like he understands. The one that pats my back, rubs my head, and says, "Alright, mommy?" when I pretend to be sad just to get some cuddles. He's so darn big. The little boy who prefers showers over baths (not kidding). He asks to hold his baby brother, and gets sad if I deny his requests. My big Boy.

I suddenly felt okay again. As a Mom, I felt good again. I didn't feel guilty. And I say this because I know they're mom's out here who have felt this very same way. Turning on the TV to occupy your little one so you can get what YOU need done. Forgetting to ask your toddler questions. Not stopping to give enough hugs. Everything changes once another little comes into your life, but what about your first? Even though he hates my constant kisses.. I give them anyways. Because he'll only be 2 - once. He'll only be this little - once. I won't be able to get this time back, and I want to remember it.. even without the pictures. 

XOXO