anxiety.. and all the above.

The days where you feel like you're drowning are the worst. As if life is literally placing a blanket over your head, tying you up and throwing you in a deep pool of water. You can't see, and you slowly start to believe that this is it. You contemplate giving up. Then you actually give up for 1-2 minutes, accepting your so called "fate". But then there's a spark in your mind that won't let you completely give up. And now, you want to come up to surface more than ever. You want to see the sun again, you want to show people you didn't let it defeat you.

That's how anxiety feels for me most days. I have this unnatural sense of worry and the feeling of being overwhelmed makes whatever is going on even MORE overwhelming. Then my heart begins to race, a slight dizziness takes over my head as I'm trying to make sense of how I'm feeling and why I'm allowing myself to become "defeated". Every sound, flicker of light, touch, bothers me when I'm in one of those moments.. and it completely sucks. The sad thing is I remember as a teenager feeling free. I remember that feeling, and I wish I never took it for granted. I want to feel free from my own brain, the mind is so powerful.. I miss worrying without really.. "worrying". I miss having tons of things to do and completing them on my own terms and still meeting deadlines. I miss being happy for no apparent reason, I felt invincible. 

Then of course life took it's course, and events happened - and here I am. Does anyone else battle with this? It sucks feeling alone, but then analyzing other mothers and I realize I'm to that much different. When you have 2 or more kids at your feet doing the most annoying thing possible at that very moment and you know they're not doing anything wrong they're just being kids - but your heart is racing and dinner is burning in the oven because you forgot you were even cooking dinner.. *gasp* yea..

The only way to overcome any of this is with love and patience (cliche). Sometimes in order to overcome these moments (on the occasions where I can actually regain my control over my thoughts) is to block out those negative thoughts. Block out the expectations, and the list of things your brain is formulating in your head. And just do the damn thing. When your kids are fighting over a toy they haven't picked up in months and you're to exhausted to discipline - LET THEM HASH IT OUT. Pick your battles, because you can not control everything (my issue). Sibling rivalry is normal, and sure it hurts to see the oldest one not sharing when he/she knows better - but then it hurts even more to see the little one being a total brat and crying SO loudly (youngest child probs). Try and think about how you felt when you had cat fights with your siblings. Mom and dad weren't there to break it up and choose a child to hand over the toy. A lot of the times those situations end up being unfair because our backs are turned and we didn't see what happened. IGNORE IT. 

However.. if a little one is just standing in the kitchen while you cook, not bothering you but opening cabinets.. JUST LET EM'. 9/10 just being around you is enough and the cabinets are quite interesting (those really open and close?! yay!).. If it's not effecting your dinner or hurting anyone, why not ? Of course you can always throw the baby gate up but sometimes, it's okay to LET IT GO and let them have at it.. This is hard for me because I used to discipline for everything that I would not tolerate. But sometimes.. you have to realize that they'll never be under your feet again. So embrace it. And fuck disciplining all the time.. it causes chaos. And fighting every battle.. well, you'll end up killing yourself. So when it comes to that, I discipline for the serious stuff. Anything else is just worth talking about or removing them from the problem itself. 

I'm not perfect, but I know in order to love my life I have to embrace everything that comes with it. The good, the bad and the ugly .. And it gets ugly. But there's much more beauty in the chaos than we can see at the moment. I try to remember I can not control everything and everyone. For some reason being in control gives me a sense of accomplishment. So.. this is just a short entry.. my present feelings have compelled me to write a snippet. This post will surely be continued for the people who can relate and need to know that they are normal, sane, and I'm just here to be a relatable source. 

Well, off to make the kids lunch :)

And as opposed to making an ultra healthy, pinterest worthy lunch - they are having MAC AND CHEESE (kraft, not even homemade) and a fruit cup ! Also a piece of their hard earned Halloween candy. Fuck rules today, I'm a tired mommy and I just want to make them happy. (Gotta do what you gotta do, mama) (Instagram that!) Nothing beats hearing, "I love you, mommy", even if it's after you give them skittles. Those words will never get old.. 

Love you, Ris