anxiety.. and all the above.

The days where you feel like you're drowning are the worst. As if life is literally placing a blanket over your head, tying you up and throwing you in a deep pool of water. You can't see, and you slowly start to believe that this is it. You contemplate giving up. Then you actually give up for 1-2 minutes, accepting your so called "fate". But then there's a spark in your mind that won't let you completely give up. And now, you want to come up to surface more than ever. You want to see the sun again, you want to show people you didn't let it defeat you.

That's how anxiety feels for me most days. I have this unnatural sense of worry and the feeling of being overwhelmed makes whatever is going on even MORE overwhelming. Then my heart begins to race, a slight dizziness takes over my head as I'm trying to make sense of how I'm feeling and why I'm allowing myself to become "defeated". Every sound, flicker of light, touch, bothers me when I'm in one of those moments.. and it completely sucks. The sad thing is I remember as a teenager feeling free. I remember that feeling, and I wish I never took it for granted. I want to feel free from my own brain, the mind is so powerful.. I miss worrying without really.. "worrying". I miss having tons of things to do and completing them on my own terms and still meeting deadlines. I miss being happy for no apparent reason, I felt invincible. 

Then of course life took it's course, and events happened - and here I am. Does anyone else battle with this? It sucks feeling alone, but then analyzing other mothers and I realize I'm to that much different. When you have 2 or more kids at your feet doing the most annoying thing possible at that very moment and you know they're not doing anything wrong they're just being kids - but your heart is racing and dinner is burning in the oven because you forgot you were even cooking dinner.. *gasp* yea..

The only way to overcome any of this is with love and patience (cliche). Sometimes in order to overcome these moments (on the occasions where I can actually regain my control over my thoughts) is to block out those negative thoughts. Block out the expectations, and the list of things your brain is formulating in your head. And just do the damn thing. When your kids are fighting over a toy they haven't picked up in months and you're to exhausted to discipline - LET THEM HASH IT OUT. Pick your battles, because you can not control everything (my issue). Sibling rivalry is normal, and sure it hurts to see the oldest one not sharing when he/she knows better - but then it hurts even more to see the little one being a total brat and crying SO loudly (youngest child probs). Try and think about how you felt when you had cat fights with your siblings. Mom and dad weren't there to break it up and choose a child to hand over the toy. A lot of the times those situations end up being unfair because our backs are turned and we didn't see what happened. IGNORE IT. 

However.. if a little one is just standing in the kitchen while you cook, not bothering you but opening cabinets.. JUST LET EM'. 9/10 just being around you is enough and the cabinets are quite interesting (those really open and close?! yay!).. If it's not effecting your dinner or hurting anyone, why not ? Of course you can always throw the baby gate up but sometimes, it's okay to LET IT GO and let them have at it.. This is hard for me because I used to discipline for everything that I would not tolerate. But sometimes.. you have to realize that they'll never be under your feet again. So embrace it. And fuck disciplining all the time.. it causes chaos. And fighting every battle.. well, you'll end up killing yourself. So when it comes to that, I discipline for the serious stuff. Anything else is just worth talking about or removing them from the problem itself. 

I'm not perfect, but I know in order to love my life I have to embrace everything that comes with it. The good, the bad and the ugly .. And it gets ugly. But there's much more beauty in the chaos than we can see at the moment. I try to remember I can not control everything and everyone. For some reason being in control gives me a sense of accomplishment. So.. this is just a short entry.. my present feelings have compelled me to write a snippet. This post will surely be continued for the people who can relate and need to know that they are normal, sane, and I'm just here to be a relatable source. 

Well, off to make the kids lunch :)

And as opposed to making an ultra healthy, pinterest worthy lunch - they are having MAC AND CHEESE (kraft, not even homemade) and a fruit cup ! Also a piece of their hard earned Halloween candy. Fuck rules today, I'm a tired mommy and I just want to make them happy. (Gotta do what you gotta do, mama) (Instagram that!) Nothing beats hearing, "I love you, mommy", even if it's after you give them skittles. Those words will never get old.. 

Love you, Ris

++

It’s hard battling a deep sadness you can’t brush to the side, or wash away with water. Constantly fighting with a part of your brain that convinces you that you are not worthy, something is wrong when everything feels right, and that you don’t deserve happiness. Waking up with an anxious feeling because you don’t have it all together, or there’s something else that must be done before you get your rest..

Feeling nauseous, randomly throughout the day. Obtaining a headache that just won’t let up.. And you try your hardest to avoid pain relievers. Feeling like a horrible person because while you’re smiling at your audience, you’re dying inside and you can’t figure out.. W h y. Why? Why me ? Why must I be so odd that I feel this way?

In the midst of that darkness is happiness.. There are reasons to be happy and forget about that anxious feeling your experiencing. At this time, listen to your heart. When it says, “I love my life but….” - take the “but” out and listen to your heart. Leave it at, “I love my life” and ignore any excuse or reason as to why you wouldn’t. Listen to your heart I’m your darkness. Your mind is usually the one telling you the reality of your situation. Your heart tells you about the things you love. The things you have passion for but to lazy to do. Your brain will tell you “this sucks” But your heart will tell you why it doesn’t. It’ll tell you that how you’re feeling is wrong and it deserves to feel warmth and happiness again.

Listen to your heart when you feel the feeling of depression creeping up on you, making you not want to get out of bed. Listen to your heart when it tells you to get up, make some coffee because you deserve it and turn on your favorite tv show..
Listen to your heart, for once. For yourself. For your sanity.

I have so much to blog about I don't even know where to begin !!

woah.

I know people, well.. those who care to read my my blog or have read it before are wondering where the hell I've been. I've asked myself that, actually. Life - honestly. I completely invested myself into my youtube page, and then slowly migrated to just enjoying my life. Because as you know, bloggers don't have lives - apparently ;) But no seriously, life has just taken over me.

So many things have happened.
I'll talk about them all, one post each, every emotion and event I've went through.
I'm so sorry for neglecting you, readers. All I need is love and support and I miss having that !
<3

Easy Jello Parfaits For Valentine's Day! | BlissWithRis

Two In One? VLOG #9 | BlissWithRis

Missing You !!

Hola, peeps !!!!

Are you still coming to blog to check if I've posted anything new? I've been so busy, loves. With life, love, my boys, and other things that you will find out about as I get back into this. It's hard being consistent because I get distracted and discouraged. At times I wonder, why am I exposing my life? Then the other half of me loves hearing that people can relate to me!

Anyways, I'm suppose to be getting a new blogging camera soon (thank you, Hubby wubby). Any suggestions? I'm currently stuck on getting the sony a5000, it has a retractable lens & a view finder which is awesome. I need a new camera because I hate vlogging on my phone and my canon is way to huge to carry around with me in public without getting stared at !

So there's going to be some great things coming soon… I moved ! I can't wait to give you guys a little tour, it's a lot of things I'm excited for you guys to view this year of my family & I. So please just bare with me loves.

<3

Quadron - Pressure (Live)

I wish I could be in this room while she sang this, so beautiful. Such a beautiful soul, with a  beautiful voice. I listen to this every day, enjoy this ! xoxo

Exhausted & Pushing Myself

I just finished the best 'sundae' I've ever had in my life (well.. recently at least). 

Chocolate and vanilla ice cream, with sweet, rich + creamy caramel drizzled on top..

I also enjoyed it by myself.

No whining, begging for what mommy has, holding a baby in my arm while I attempt to eat - just pure silence and thoughts for once.

I've been so bombarded with a lot of errands and tasks lately. I'm still situating my things with school, I had re-enroll my classes, I also have to go up to the school and speak to an advisor because my financial aid requires one more thing before it can fully process. On top of that, I'm feeling incredibly nauseous and tired - which leads to me feeling very overwhelmed. 

I've been struggling with balancing my children also. At times I find I am showing Jonas much more attention than Adrian. However, the attention I show Adrian (hugs and kisses) isn't the attention he really "wants". He'd rather me play cars for 75 hours straight OR read (and by reading, I mean skipping to all his favorite pages) an ancient version of Curious George I've had since I was his age. I'm also struggling with Jonas because he constantly needs me around. The slight disappearance of me is a breakdown, a cry for mommy. Since I hadn't had a baby surrounding me in two years, I instantly grew attached to… being 'attached' to him. We've been co-sleeping after he wakes up the first time in the night to eat. I find it difficult (or maybe I'm just tired) to put him back to sleep in his crib when he wakes up to eat. Which makes me feel guilty for cuddling his chunky self, with my two year old fast asleep in his room (although he's never co-slept and sleeps so well on his own. he's very adaptable). 

It's becoming more and more clear that mommy hood is full of guilt. I never had this guilt when it was just Adrian. I felt on top of the world, I felt like I was the best at what I did - I felt like everything he needed. We would go places one on one, sleep together during naps, I was always eye level with him. I rarely had to discipline him, he had nothing but himself and I had nothing but him.

I don't know why I'm being so hard on myself, because although I feel this way - he may not. He's so much more independent than he's ever been. 

I realized that my goal is to be the perfect mother, forgetting that is unrealistic and not every child is the same. Tv isn't bad. A cookie to get some quietness.. isn't bad. Not potty training consistently because my hands are full with life ending with me changing two diapers.. isn't bad. Sending my toddler to his room because he can't keep himself from poking his brother.. isn't bad. Ignoring my four months old cry for touch so I can crawl like a tiger with my toddler on my back.. isn't bad. Eating chick fil a for dinner because I forgot to take out frozen chicken wings.. isn't bad. Purposely letting the kids get tired so they can sleep at an earlier time so I can have 'adult time' *wink wink* with my husband.. ISN'T BAD!!

I'm trying to convince myself that I do not have to tend to my children 24/7. It's okay to breathe and let them be independent. It's okay for them to just relax by themselves without being stimulated constantly. Because lets face it, even adults can't be stimulated constantly. I want my kids to know when to play, and when to relax and have their own time to think and imagine. They don't always have to be up each other's butts. I want everyone to learn how to treat themselves independently.

It's just very hard when you see these blogs of mothers who seem perfect. Reading to little Henry every night before bed. When in reality, they only read the book and took a picture with their fancy camera for that one posts. Or "cooking with their kids" imagining they're having fun, and at the end of their photo shoot scurry the kids out because they were actually making a huge mess and you're afraid it'll get worse. And even if they really ARE that way, why compare ?!

I have a very bad habit in comparing myself to things that appear perfect. Ahh… such as white couches and decor in a house full of kids under 5.

ANYWAYS CHEERS TO MY ICE CREAM.

NOW THAT IVE GOTTEN WAY OFF TOPIC AND SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING.

I'm not depressed though guys, just exhausted and in need of a real sleep that doesn't consists of waking up in the middle night to make a bottle for a starving chunky baby. I'm happy with my life and even though it's QUITE hectic right now I wouldn't change it.. (I lied, I totally would change it so all the hectic stuff was taken care of). I just had a minor vent. I'm a woman.. and a mom, what do you expect? Anyways.. think I'm going to make a second cup of ice cream after 9 when the kids are sleeping. Thank you for reading my vent if you did, and if you understand me - thank you & I love you oh so much. Yes you, you right there. 

XOXO

01142015

I am feeling so blessed and grateful..

If the world wasn't so judgmental, I would tell everyone in sight - but I'll keep this one to myself.

Update

*Sigh*

Being stressed is such an understatement right now. I feel like I run to my blog when I really don't want to physically speak about the negative things - because ultimately I want to stay positive. I just like venting, ha.

Anyways, don't you hate when you're trying to get something accomplished and it seems like every time you get good news or something good happens there's always that ONE thing that comes around randomly to try and knock you down. That always happens to me. I feel like a producer of bad luck sometimes.

On top of applying for school and every annoying thing that comes with that so I can start the spring semester, we're also trying to get out of our present place and move closer to my parents - which is where I wanted to by all along (safe neighborhood, duh).

Anyways, I feel like life is full of a bunch of unprofessional people. People that just show up to get a paycheck and count the hours when they can finally leave. Not putting effort or care into their work. Making their job a routine, not creating relationships, just strictly business. Making work - just work. Getting nothing out of it. Even making someone's day seems irrelevant to these people. I hate staying up on something dealing with business more than the person that's suppose to be professional. I shouldn't have to remind you, or correct you. Sure, everyone makes mistakes and work gets overloaded - but this isn't rocket science. Simple communication is all I ask for. If someone is having trouble and can't get to me in time, it doesn't phase me as long as they acknowledge it - they can take their precious time and I'll be fine with that. But if someone is getting an attitude, making me feel like a burden, rushing me out because they are overwhelmed with work, I have no sympathy. Just let me know you're busy, bitch. Be real and get real human empathy.

I'm one of those customers that likes to empathize and make someone smile. But the second I feel like people's emotions get involved with their work - I lose patience. It takes 5 seconds to communicate example, "I'm sorry about the wait," or "I'm sorry I've been so busy with other files, etc" OR, "I'm sorry I haven't kept in touch, it'll only be a few more days, etc"

Easy.

ANYWAYS - the people at my present place are trying to get some extra money out of us (they think they're slick) every since I put in our 30 day notice. So that's one thing.. and the people at the place I'm trying to go to isn't keeping in touch with me as they should. I've been the one communicating with them, and once I call that's when they actually do what they told me they were going to do. So I'm probably going to have to go through the manager to make sure everything is squared away.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE: I am not sweating it. This is merely just a vent. I am highly appreciative of certain events that WILL take place (they better, lol). I overlook things like this to stay focused on the important thing. I am praying everything gets handled and the impatient side of me is trying it's bet to stop rushing things and just let them happen. I am PRAYING, so pray with me *bow your head* *NOW* *please lawwwwd pleaseeeeee* *amen*

So I'm hoping we can move in this place by Saturday (Domo is off and he wants to move everything that same day). I'm praying it all gets situated tomorrow so I'll have time to call to transfer the power & cable, etc. I also hope I can have school situated before the 12th, because that's when the semester starts. I just hope I get everything right, I'm so nervous with everything that's going on. I feel so... DISORGANIZED and for an OCD person like me it's the worst annoyance ever. I want things to get through this phase so I won't have times where I get annoyed trying to straighten things out and I end up having an attitude with Adrian, or wanting the days to go by faster. IT's really annoying :( So let's hope & stay postive fo' me !!

 

xoxo

New Years (eve) | 2015 !!!

We spent our New Years Eve getting Panda Express (WHICH we got for free because I backed my car up in the drive thru before they were about to close and asked for a refund because we waited forever just for them to get our order wrong and it wasn't even a lot of food) and Taco Bell - hubby and I were seriously craving crunch wraps for some reason. After eating Adrian and daddy took a cat nap and I woke them up like an hour before the ball dropped. My husband was SO tired. Which is understandable.. he had been at work since 8am that morning.

ANYWAYS! My New Year was great :) I wouldn't have had it any other way than enjoying it with family. My boys and I. I am thankful to make it through this year, it's behind us. I won't be like other people and present the negative, there was A LOT of good things that happened in 2014. I will miss it somewhat. We prevailed  lot that year, I'm impressed haha. I'm just grateful.. we made it through so many bad things, the struggling, etc. I am so happy. This year will be great. We promised each other that, and it just felt good to bring in another year with a new little baby, a bigger baby, and my best friend. There's some things that I'm leaving in 2014. Any drama in 2014 is left in 2014, including the people who didn't make it right after I made an effort to. I'm focusing on the good things this year, with or without crappy people. I want my family to have the best and I want us to wake up every day thankful and LAUGHING. <3

Growth // Love

It's weird to bring a new person into the world and being unsure of how they will adapt to their new life. After being in my warm tummy for so long, it's actually quite scary when it's time for the baby to come out! I was nervous of how Adrian would treat the baby. Would he be to rough? Would he hate the baby? I literally was afraid of him hating his little brother and becoming VERY jealous. It was scary. No one understands the anxiety you have unless your bringing a new little one to your first baby.

I am so thankful.

I love when Adrian wakes up he opens his door, comes into our room, walks up to me (Jonas is usually in my arms by the morning), and says, "HEY JOJO!" then proceeds to give me kisses and hugs. He'll bring Jonas some cars and attempt to lay on his belly (which I have to tell him several times he's to heavy). He always includes Jonas in a variety of things. He tells Jonas his accomplishments. "I'm TWO Jojo,""I ate it all, JOJO!" and, "I pee pee, JOJO". I am so proud of how well he has adapted to his little brother as well. Giving him kisses and asking to cuddle him. He runs to him and puts his pacifier in his mouth when Jonas is having a fit (and other times just sits and watch him cry, or sit next to him while he cries haha).

It's not always pretty.

In a perfect world, things would be tantrum free 24/7, but that's unrealistic - of course. Adrian isn't the "perfect little two year old" people may assume he is based upon the pictures I post. He has his moments where he gets so upset he will throw whatever is in his sight just to get attention if I'm busy with Jojo. It gets frustrating because I think as mothers we forget our perfect little boys are maturing within their feelings. How can you punish him for just displaying how he feels? How else can he show it? He can't really express it with words. Most of the time I'll tell him to pick up whatever he's thrown and sit next to me. Other times I'm so stressed I have to discipline him with time out, a pop on the hand, or a strong lecture. everyone's parenting is different but at the end of the day it has to be with love. Even after punishing him, I don't stay upset with him all day, he's my world. When I'm done doing what I'm doing, I tend to his needs. A lot of the times that involves sitting down and playing with him or……. letting him have some cookies ;) Sometimes instead of anger he lets out sadness and asked for me to hold him while I'm changing Jonas, or consoling Jonas after suctioning snot out his nose (babies HATE it!). Either way, whatever you do - do it with love. Having a new sibling isn't easy when you've been an only child for so long.

I was born into having two sisters and a brother already. So I never knew what it was like to be an only child. I was used to having to share, hand-me-downs, etc. I don't want to assume, but I know having only child syndrome obviously won't effect Jonas. He's born into a family with a brother already. So I'm praying he doesn't have to much rivalry with his older brother. I'm alas praying that I can give them my love equally and always be "fair". I don't want my kids to think I have favorites. I honestly don't have one I would choose over another. If someone asked me to choose between them, I wouldn't. I just wouldn't have them both because they both are absolutely amazing/precious to me in their own unique way.

But enough of that rant.. I'm just writing because I'm impressed at how well life chose which baby to place in my tummy to make our family even more complete (now all we're missing is a sister). I mean what if Jojo wasn't Jojo ?!?! What if he was a Fred?! Or a Patty?! Like who the hell knows… I'm just in love with what he brings to our family. I don't know his personality just yet since he's still a baby, but boy I love what I see! Even when he get's upset, he's still cute.. 

xoxo