Exhausted & Pushing Myself

I just finished the best 'sundae' I've ever had in my life (well.. recently at least). 

Chocolate and vanilla ice cream, with sweet, rich + creamy caramel drizzled on top..

I also enjoyed it by myself.

No whining, begging for what mommy has, holding a baby in my arm while I attempt to eat - just pure silence and thoughts for once.

I've been so bombarded with a lot of errands and tasks lately. I'm still situating my things with school, I had re-enroll my classes, I also have to go up to the school and speak to an advisor because my financial aid requires one more thing before it can fully process. On top of that, I'm feeling incredibly nauseous and tired - which leads to me feeling very overwhelmed. 

I've been struggling with balancing my children also. At times I find I am showing Jonas much more attention than Adrian. However, the attention I show Adrian (hugs and kisses) isn't the attention he really "wants". He'd rather me play cars for 75 hours straight OR read (and by reading, I mean skipping to all his favorite pages) an ancient version of Curious George I've had since I was his age. I'm also struggling with Jonas because he constantly needs me around. The slight disappearance of me is a breakdown, a cry for mommy. Since I hadn't had a baby surrounding me in two years, I instantly grew attached to… being 'attached' to him. We've been co-sleeping after he wakes up the first time in the night to eat. I find it difficult (or maybe I'm just tired) to put him back to sleep in his crib when he wakes up to eat. Which makes me feel guilty for cuddling his chunky self, with my two year old fast asleep in his room (although he's never co-slept and sleeps so well on his own. he's very adaptable). 

It's becoming more and more clear that mommy hood is full of guilt. I never had this guilt when it was just Adrian. I felt on top of the world, I felt like I was the best at what I did - I felt like everything he needed. We would go places one on one, sleep together during naps, I was always eye level with him. I rarely had to discipline him, he had nothing but himself and I had nothing but him.

I don't know why I'm being so hard on myself, because although I feel this way - he may not. He's so much more independent than he's ever been. 

I realized that my goal is to be the perfect mother, forgetting that is unrealistic and not every child is the same. Tv isn't bad. A cookie to get some quietness.. isn't bad. Not potty training consistently because my hands are full with life ending with me changing two diapers.. isn't bad. Sending my toddler to his room because he can't keep himself from poking his brother.. isn't bad. Ignoring my four months old cry for touch so I can crawl like a tiger with my toddler on my back.. isn't bad. Eating chick fil a for dinner because I forgot to take out frozen chicken wings.. isn't bad. Purposely letting the kids get tired so they can sleep at an earlier time so I can have 'adult time' *wink wink* with my husband.. ISN'T BAD!!

I'm trying to convince myself that I do not have to tend to my children 24/7. It's okay to breathe and let them be independent. It's okay for them to just relax by themselves without being stimulated constantly. Because lets face it, even adults can't be stimulated constantly. I want my kids to know when to play, and when to relax and have their own time to think and imagine. They don't always have to be up each other's butts. I want everyone to learn how to treat themselves independently.

It's just very hard when you see these blogs of mothers who seem perfect. Reading to little Henry every night before bed. When in reality, they only read the book and took a picture with their fancy camera for that one posts. Or "cooking with their kids" imagining they're having fun, and at the end of their photo shoot scurry the kids out because they were actually making a huge mess and you're afraid it'll get worse. And even if they really ARE that way, why compare ?!

I have a very bad habit in comparing myself to things that appear perfect. Ahh… such as white couches and decor in a house full of kids under 5.

ANYWAYS CHEERS TO MY ICE CREAM.

NOW THAT IVE GOTTEN WAY OFF TOPIC AND SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING.

I'm not depressed though guys, just exhausted and in need of a real sleep that doesn't consists of waking up in the middle night to make a bottle for a starving chunky baby. I'm happy with my life and even though it's QUITE hectic right now I wouldn't change it.. (I lied, I totally would change it so all the hectic stuff was taken care of). I just had a minor vent. I'm a woman.. and a mom, what do you expect? Anyways.. think I'm going to make a second cup of ice cream after 9 when the kids are sleeping. Thank you for reading my vent if you did, and if you understand me - thank you & I love you oh so much. Yes you, you right there. 

XOXO