Personal | Must Write

Today wasn't the best..

I honestly don't understand life at all sometimes. I know, "God is just testing your faith," and all of that.. but why? I look around me and I'm grateful for what I have. But I also look around and see how many of my peers take certain things for granted. Today I was emotional, angry, moody, sensitive, and all of the above. I was in a "1+1=14, don't argue, it just is." type of mood. On top of the stress of life, money, and every unfortunate event that seems to creep up after you get a piece of good news - today is my mom's birthday.

I hide my feelings. I laugh when I want to cry. I chuckle when I talk about hard things so that people won't think anything is wrong. I texted my sister telling her I needed someone to talk to. She called me immediately (I'm my sister's baby, so she doesn't take these things lightly) and was all concerned. I told her what was going on with ease, and a bunch of, "It's all good" "I'm okay"  and "Haha". So I can never really get the emotion I'm really feeling out, I'm terrible at it. When my friends ask me what's wrong, as bad I want to cry and ask for help I just say, "I'm okay!!" and "It'll get better, Everything's Fine!"

I realized that every time around this year I get really emotional without realizing it. I'm more sensitive than ever. If I had a sandwich I was saving for later and you ate it, I probably would cry. I'd probably cry because I have no sandwich, or because I thought you were starving. Catch my drift ? I still haven't gotten a period, so maybe that's why I'm emotional to (no, I'm not pregnant). When I feel down I start to over analyze everything, and then I start criticizing myself, etc.

You ever get down and start thinking about what if's? I imagine the grandmother my mom would be to my sons. She was just so awesome and loving. Selfless and giving. Affectionate and kind. I wish I could see my sons with her, and see her give them filipino sniff kisses. Tell me how handsome they were (she doesn't hesitate to compliment handsome boys!). I imagine her cuddling them while they nap. I imagine her stuffing there faces with home cooked food and sweets, of course. I imagine her offering to take them and letting them spend the night. I wish they had that so bad. I think that's why I'm so drawn to my children. I have that instinct from her, to love and protect them. To kiss them everywhere and wipe their tears (and poop). I love my kids to death, and I don't ever want them to think I don't. Even when they're older and have families of their own, I'll still love them as if they were little. I don't want to see them struggle or hurt. They're my children, my loves, my life. I tried not to get to down about it today and think negative things. Instead I just scrolled through pictures on my phone of my mom, and reminisced on memories.

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Like how every day after school before her stroke, she would leave a candy bar in the office with a note. My teacher would tell me to go to the office, and sometimes my mom would be standing there with it or sometimes she would just leave it as a surprise.

Or how every Valentine's day, Easter, etc she would get me a card and a cute present. It would always say, "I love you, Mom + Dad" with her beautiful handwriting.

 I remember going through Kmart when the Bratz dolls first came out, and I couldn't just live with Chloe. I wanted Chloe and Jade, so she let me get both and said, "Okay but don't tell daddy," and of course he never knew because what Dad really pays attention to our barbies?

I remember falling asleep on the couch at her friends house because she religiously played Mah Jong until the wee hours of the morning, and I found myself still in the same spot the very next day.

I remember when I introduced Domo to my mother (at the time, we were just talking, unofficial) and she told me how handsome she thought he was. Then she went on to explain to him how I was her, "Baby" her, "Last One" and how pretty I was. I used to think this was so so so embarrassing, and pleaded for her to stop. But how badly I wish I could hear her boast about me again.

I also remember her tired, exhausted, in the hospital room wanting us to stay a little bit longer. Telling myself I was going to do better if God just let her make it once more. Cooking her meals, teaching her how to write again, watching her use the restroom on herself and not being the considerate daughter I should've been at that moment. I remember seeing her walking around with her tongue out but not realizing she had no control over it.. then to seeing her laid across the hospital bed, looking like she was dreaming, however she had already been gone and was slowly losing warmth - color. Soul. I remember crying over her lifeless body praying it wasn't real, holding her right hand while my sister had her left. I remember my Father explaining what happened. And on one part of the story he was explaining, asking her if she was okay, and for the first time I saw my Father cry. I saw my brother-in-law pat his back with condolences.. and he quickly brushed those tears of sorrow away with weak fingers. That's when I knew, I had a Father. A real man. My mom chose the perfect person to become my Father. Someone who loved her till the very end, and accepted her illness... then I remember performing my poem I wrote for her at the funeral. Crying hard only once. Being the last to say goodbye to her. It was hard... But then I remember having dinner after the funeral, with all of my family. My brother who I hadn't seen in years, my aunts and everyone else. Laughing, sharing memories, hugs, and I knew it was going to be okay..

So I'm writing this to make sure I'm okay. That I acknowledge what happened, and I'm not afraid to run into this feeling again because I know where it's coming from. I'm aware. Everyone grieves differently. I never showed or expressed emotion while it happened, and I suffer from it now. I explode when I have no real reason to. I think about it randomly and I'm instantly filled with the same emotion. BUT I'm okay. It's okay. I love you, I miss you, but I can't change it or compare. Mahal Kita, xoxo

Happy Birthday xoxo

November 4, 1950-September 28, 2010

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, love is stronger than death. "

"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time...it tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."