CHANGE. Can it happen? Do people really change? LOVE. Is it only for the movies? What does it "mean" ? INFIDELITY. Are you wrong for forgiving/staying? HAPPINESS. Can it happen? I feel so compelled to write on this, to help those who may need advice.. but something different.
Something real.
Disclaimer: I'm sharing because I'm comfortable and confident. Not because anyone made me do so. I am also not a relationship expert, this is just my personal experience.
I didn't know what love was. I didn't know what it meant to be in love. I didn't know what sex was suppose to feel like (stop laughing..okay keep laughing, because I'm weak over here). I didn't know what it was like to cry over someone. I didn't know what it was like to be hurt. I didn't know what it was like to genuinely miss someone. I didn't know what it was like to crave someone's presence. Shoot, I didn't even know what it was like to be passionate/compassionate for once in my life. I was selfish, I felt to good, and once someone "hurt" me I didn't care, I moved on and occasionally got revenge *cough* *sips tea* ^__^' . But seriously I never knew any of this until I met this dweeb.. unfortunately (JK, babe). This is not where the story is going. This is not a, *english accent* "I found my soulmate by chance, we've been happy ever since!". Our story is FAR from perfect. In fact, you can't stick them in the same sentence.
I think people look at photos and only see the picture.. but not the picture. They see happiness, or they see sadness and they're still wrong. I've been cheated on, countless of times (hold your brakes). And he's dealt with a crazy asian, numerous of times (I've even been in the hospital, because of it). I've dealt with harsh verbal words, he's dealt with "..BUT I 'NEED' YOU" and "I'm the Victim" sobs. Did we overcome this? HELL YES, girl. So don't think this story is turning negative, it's not - it's testimony. Can you forgive someone, after they hurt you? Why forgive them? Can you STAY with a cheater? Can YOU CHANGE A MAN? The answer is, and will always be - yes and no. Your friends are not lying to you when they say that you can't change a man. Because technically, YOU can't do s-word. You can only be yourself, you can only be who he loves, but you can not change him or persuade him to wake up and say, "Hey, I'm feeling great - I'm going to dismiss all hoes today." You just can't. But you also can't ignore it, you have to hold men accountable for the things they are doing wrong. Do NOT become a doormat. Domo didn't change because I was pregnant suddenly, he didn't change because I asked, he changed because he wanted to give that lifestyle up - that has nothing to do with me (maybe a little, lol)(I mean, who else is going to put up with his farts)(I married without being told of his compulsive farts)(he purposely pushes them out, you guys! I've been bamboozled) OKAY.
Despite the cheating (good Lord, anyone have more than 10 fingers??), lying ("I didn't eat your food!" *wipes crumbs off face*) and intense arguments, I stayed. I plopped my butt in his life, and never left. I've been cheated on before from my only other previous boyfriend, and I had backbone. I actually cheated on him back and never felt bad about anything. I "let" him be with "me" so to speak. But for some reason, I meet this dweeb and I stayed. It was my decision.
Why? I stayed because I knew who he was. I wanted to see who he was going to grow into. I wanted to witness him being faithful, in my presence. I wanted to wait for him to grow up. I wanted to see his reaction when he realized how hard it is to find a "good girl". I knew he was capable of being great, not only a great husband but a great person. I stayed because I wanted to be the one to say, "I've done everything I could by you, and I've never hurt you," if I ever got the guts to leave. And there was plenty of times I asked myself, why. And you may never have the answer at the time, but when things blow over you realize.. just why you stayed. I couldn't leave my best friend, and that's it felt like I was doing every time I wanted to walk out, every time I took my ring off, every time I put all his crap in bags and told him to just leave. He's wanted to walk out, numerous of times. With me running after him at the last second. I stayed because I knew I'd never find anyone quite like him, I mean the guy is HILARIOUS. But seriously guys, I didn't want to start over. He already accepted my flaws, my stretch marks, my morning breath, my awkward legs, my past.
Staying with someone is not only based on your reasoning, it's based on who's worth hurting for. How long are you willing to hurt to find happiness? You don't just stick around for EVERYONE and get dumped on by every guy you feel is "the one" girl. Nope. Nu-uh, I'm not saying that so stop thinking what you're thinking *sips this good tea* *I'm really drinking tea though, no kermit the frog here*.
I hurt for awhile, on and off. It got tiring, old, exhausting. At some point I forgot how to cry and got more angry instead - still not healthy. Then it clicked to me. I had to let him be a man. I stopped telling him what and HOW he should be treating me. I stopped "caring". I stopped "looking" and waited for things to find me. It took some of the hurt away. WOULD I DO ALL THIS ALL OVER AGAIN? Good question, but…. Heck no. Never. Ever ever ever - and that's a promise. He knows this. It just so happens that he decided to be the person I wanted him to be. But if not, I would've left eventually because it wouldn't feel good anymore. I would never give someone that much from me, ever. WAS IT WORTH IT? Heck yes, I have a permanent comedian in my home. But it really was. He's…. HE'S different. I'm happy. I'm confident, I'm secure, I'm safe, I'm l o v e d. I truly am. I trust him, he trusts me. He knows how far my love is willing to stretch for him, and I know that I'm worth the change he made. He tells me I'm beautiful. He compliments my hair. He takes me out, surprises me. He makes seeing me happy his goal. He's genuine. Honest. Caring. He doesn't care about sex (It's great but he's not a dog like these childish men out here, their lives revolve around vagina haha.. okay gross, dude) When I'm sick, he takes care of me (I'm a big baby, to). He's always been a good father, but that's another plus. He incorporates me in everything. I never have to question him. He treats me like a Queen, and behaves like a King.
And to be honest, most are probably thinking, "Oh my gosh, you're like so stupid.. like how do you know he's not, like..cheating now?!" . Trust me I know *eye roll*. SIKE, the answer is, I don't. I'm not a psychic. I'm not going to clock him, either. Why, stress? He has to live with the consequence of that - not me. It's much more in depth than you think, and it's a lot harder than you can imagine. But I'm not going to spend my life stressing over it. IF it finds me, then I deal with it then - but why erase all the growth he's made by constantly bringing up the past? People CAN change. Most of the time, that life just gets old. Or you realize the grass isn't always green on the other side, which is basically what the turning point for him was. But you have to let people change. You can't force them. Figure out if they're worth the hurt. Because even though I stayed, we had far more happy moments than bad - which is another reason it was hard to just leave.
Two bellies, and two big ole babies later :D
I share this to let you know you don't have to be embarrassed. People will judge you, without knowing your circumstances. I'm not perfect, and I may get a lot of BS from posting this - but I don't care. We don't care. I just don't want people thinking I have this oh-so-perfect love life. I've been through a lot, and I wish I could hug the next girl/guy going through anything similar to this. I just want you to know, I get it. I understand and I'm not judging you. Of course your friends will tell you to leave, it's not far fetched. Because honestly, If I weren't with Domo and someone else pulled that on me I'm packing my bags. But this is where my heart lives, and this is who makes everything okay, the man with the plan.. and this is who took care of me when I had nothing - literally. So don't feel so "bad" for staying. And if things are going great, good for you. If not, you might want to do some reevaluating. Just don't feel ashamed of yourself, okay?? IT'S ALL GOOD, girl.. People like me get it, once again.
P.S I LOVE YOU HUUBBY, I made a typo, but I'm going to leave it because you look like you're name is Huubby (who-bee). Thank you for letting me expose you, mwaahahaha!! I'm thinking we can go on Maury next and get famous off of a segment like, "He's cheated for 40 years…...BUT HE'S ONLY 22!" *gasp* *this damn tea* *it's getting good* been cheating since you've been an egg in an ovary*
P.S NOW don't get it twisted, love. If someone's beating on your everyday and they make your life hell everyday - leave that person!! Straight up, not judging but you're better than that.
No comments:
Post a Comment