& For You...

Hey Girl Hey.

Do you see how big my boys have grown? Compared to pictures you've seen before, do you notice the difference? I am full of an immense amount of love looking at previous pictures of these boys that are all mine. ALL MINE ?! I apologize for being so incognito on the blog every once and awhile. I am consumed in motherhood, and I apologize (even though I know most moms understand, no apology needed, ya'll understand). 

SO. I actually got my period recently (shortest period ever!) and it made me super emotional/dramatic. I suffer from anxiety really bad. I know most people love being proud to say something is wrong with them, ex. "Yeah! I totally have ADHD! Crazy right?!". But I would honestly love to be.. normal. I would love to not freak out when surrounded by a group of people that my mind will consider a "crowd". I would love to keep calm and not feel tingly when someone misplaces something, if one thing is out of place or missing, if routine isn't followed, if I don't leave 30 mins before to get to my destination - it's ANNOYING. And I'm a very annoying person when it kicks in. I hate feeling ANXIOUS. Your heart starts to race, you get sweaty, your mind feels fried, all of a sudden your moody, nervous, etc. IT'S NOT THE BUSINESS, girl… ANYWAYS, I've been trying to get a hold of it. I feel like I've had an accomplishment yesterday. I had to run errands, and the only way to do so was to take the boys with me. It was the first time I would be alone with the boys IN PUBLIC, by MYSELF. Talk about crowds.. Monday mornings isn't the day to run errands. I was surrounded by people.. Jonas was crying, Adrian was bored. But I kept my cool.. while eyes were glaring at me (which is annoying BTW. If you're one of those people that stare at moms when they're trying to get their kids in shape STOP. It's annoying, it's rude. After 5 secs, why are you still staring?!)

I'm proud of myself because I stuck to my guns. THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME, I kept saying to myself. I wanted to cry (you may think I'm being dramatic, but I was so anxious/embarrassed). I was wishing Domo was next to me, helping me, taking control. But I realized he can't be with me all the time, and I have to be superMom right now. I just breathed through it. I pretended I was home. I didn't care who saw me, I didn't care that I was the only person sitting on the ground, I didn't care that I was making a bottle on the floor and playing peek-a-boo with Adrian while Jonas was hollering. I just didn't give a damn. I didn't get upset with myself, or most importantly - my kids. This is life. This is what they were born to do, and it's my job to keep my cool to make them feel safe. I felt so proud of myself. Life actually rewarded me, because even through my frustration and split seconds of me wanting to leave - I ended up being called early by the woman and was out of there within minutes. Thank God… haha.

But it just goes to show you that, "nothing good comes from frustration," as my husband would say :) I loved myself more after yesterday, I loved my kids more (even though that's never possible, lol), I just loved who I was at that moment. For really putting in the effort and not giving up. You my friend, have to not give a damn - sometimes. When you get that anxious feeling, BREATHE. Analyze your surroundings. Is it worth it? Hold your tears, breathe. Do not let it defeat you. Do what needs to be done and keep your cool. Focus on something else. While Jonas was crying, I thought about the big smile he gave me minutes before.. when Adrian was rolling around on the ground talking gibberish, I thought about the boy who gave mommy a hug just because. See? Don't give up! I feel so accomplished from my little episode yesterday, I had to share. 

Love yourself enough to care about how you feel.

& love yourself enough to know that you need to change something, you can not let it beat you or put you in a bad mood. 

XOXO